Always Begin at the Beginning

Under Employed
Over Whelmed.

I made a mistake, I'll admit it.
I let the shrinking company, shrinking hours, and shrinking salary force me out.
I took another job. I knew it had the potential to be really bad.
I knew a woman like her could be a nightmare.
She was.
Bitch please, why you gotta be so predictable?
Of course, you'd never see it that way.
You're right, about everything, in the entire world, always.
Everyone else is the problem - the stories you crap about how everyone else did'ja wrong are endless. Makes me think it's you... not them.

It's been 3 mos. now.
I'm getting bored, impatient, worried, and unhappy.
I don't like this.
I don't know what I want to do.
Except that I want to do something...
Soon.
Like now.

I start a new thing on Monday... it has potential... to be a nightmare.
Why can't I steer clear of nightmares?

Help.

Weekdays, I let Garrison Keillor do the waking and
I listen to his Writer's Almanac segment on NPR.
Then, I hit snooze.
Then, I spend the next ten minutes in a semi-awake state.
Then, I open my eyes, stretch and spell the alphabet (in capital letters), with my feet
and get out of bed. On goes the coffee maker (for being so fancy, you'd think my coffee
maker would have an automatic timer), shower, bundle up, and let the dog out.
That's the first 35 minutes of my day.

real snow, i love you.

you blanket my doldrums and coat it with nostalgia.
i remember building igloos and harnessing our
malamute to the flexible flyer to get provisions at The Garden State
convenience store. her saddle bags filled with stuff we surely would've
perished without. a malamute attached to a sled is like hot butter on popcorn.
i remember sledding at hurrel field until i could snap my appendages off.
i remember sandwich bags over tiny toes shoved into my galoshes, glove garters
and a mile long scarf. i remember my blue snow suit with yellow racing stripes.
i remember a banged up galvanzied saucer blazing down the front yard slope.


today, i suspect i'll shovel, a lot. it seems like a losing battle but the alternative
is upwards of 24" of backbreaking labor when it's all said and done. i think i'm a fan
of incremental shoveling.

so fellow snow lovers, i bid you a warm cup of hot chocolate and eskimo kisses after you've been outside so long your fingers and toes and nose need thawing.

xx

i'm pretty sure in my last entry, i meant to journal more.
i'm not sure why i felt so compeled.
the upside is, i've gotten rid of the stupid laptop & only have a desktop and an iphone.
i wanted the mac version of my desktop, but i couldn't afford it.

so anyway, we bought a house, raked plenty, primed every pink surface to remove
all traces of the former owners, fumigated our buggy roommates, fixed the fireplace...
no, WE didn't fix it, we had professionals do it. i fear fire and did not trust our skills
to do the job. replaced glass in the shower window, bought a folding ladder, organized crap
and created the "yard sale" room.

also, we got a dog. she's some sort of tiny street mutt from the island of st. croix.
chihuahua/papillion mix perhaps? we call her doozy or the dooze. she's a good girl.

our neighbor, earl james, is an original arlington redneck.
approximately 64 years of age & weighing in at 300 lbs.,
he has a three bay car garage in which he stores his hot rods (2 of 'em, a low-rider truck & a bright yellow thing that zz top would drive). an a-team van ('s a tough
son of a looking bitch with a sweet sound system) and an indy pace car pick-up truck are relegated to the elements. he's outfitted the garage with mood lighting & demonstrated the various string light configurations for optimal man times over cheap beer & snuffs.
there are nude ladies on the wall and various trophies & nostalgia in his manly studio.
he used to be an alcoholic he says, but now, he only has a cocktail or two before dinner.
earl was very kind to lend us his gas blower after we blistered our re-blistered blisters from
raking every saturday/sunday for an entire month straigh. yep, marched right into our bare
backyard and said "hey, we're neighbors, take this blower & take care of your leaves". he then demonstrated the power of the blower on, well... nothing. there was nothing to blow.
we stored it in our basement for two days, unusued, until he came to fetch it. thanks earl.
you da man.

i'm a fucking home owner. what have i become? who am i? is this what i meant to do?
sure, i enjoy living in a house with a yard and a dog and a future vegetable garden BUT...
um. is this me? in this neighborhood?

i think i've maxed myself out as i sit here typing on my ultra-mini pc, laptop fucker.
though, i could just as easily enter this via my freakish iPhone.
or my desktop should all else fail.

twitter can go fuck itself. i just don't care how clever you are and how distilled your clever is.

myspace, why haven't i deleted you yet?

facebook, you're grating on me but i can't seem stay away.

i've begun to neglect the things that were once my usual suspects.
it was bad enough when i started to blog... my dusty leather journals sat
half filled or not even used at all. these days the leather could probably use some saddle soap.

i have turned my life into nonsensical snippets and really... who cares THAT much?
i can't bring myself to writing anything these days. cetainly not if it exceed 125 characters. i've become a passive agressive participant over in social network town.
make. me. stop.

Amidst other things (ie. trying to find a house we can afford in NOVA & getting my brakes replaced=$$), I was confronted with a life un-reaffirming moment.

You see, my credit card account was BREECHED. A new card was coming to me, in the interim, I was to DESTROY my previously virginal but now breeched card.
Burn it, shred it, flush it… whatever. Just get rid of it. Okay fine. So, the new card comes… I log into my account, I’m ready to go, input new account number, and start paying up. Currently, I owe $2.19 and I had better pay it before that $2.19 turns into $8,500,000.19 in late fees. Okay, so I’ve got to answer some security questions before I can proceed:

Name of Oldest Sibling: Liz
Name of Favorite Pet: Scout
DENIED, round 2…

Name of Oldest Sibling: Elizabeth
Name of Favorite Pet: Scout
DENIED, round 3…

Name of Favorite Pet: Scout
Name of First Boyfriend: Andrew
Not only am I denied but now I’m totally shut down.
So much for paying that $2.19 I owe.

What the fuck? How can that be? Have I smoked too much weed in my lifetime?
Is my long term memory totally shot?

Is my oldest sibling NOT Liz/Elizabeth?
I could’ve sworn I just saw her last weekend, and I’m pretty sure her name is any derivation of the Elizabeth.

Is my favorite pet NOT Scout?
Please, I still cry about that dog and it’s been 4 months now.
I’m even getting a little choked up as I sit here typing her name.
SURELY she was my favorite pet. Though, I did love my Samantha and Finnegan and Natasha and Socks and Molly too… crap… maybe they were one of my security question answers. If so, I’m sorry Scout… you really were my favorite pet ever. Miss you dog.

Did I not date Andrew first? I’m pretty sure I refused to date anyone in
High School which would mean my first boyfriend was in fact Andrew, in college. I loved that guy so much, he was the first favorite boyfriend love of a lifetime I ever had. Though interestingly, a different ex-boyfriend’s name, who I held in as high esteem as Andrew, is my password for said breeched online account. Go figure. And no, it isn't who you're thinking.
TRUST ME.

Holy hell… where have I been?
I’m totally freaked out.
I completely failed answering my “this is your life” security questions.
My online account knows me better than I know myself.

Lesson learned, no matter how well I think I know myself and how I’ll answer the most basic of questions, I’m clearly deluded.
This is my life, and I suck at it.

yup

1/2 Cup Plain Whole Milk Yogurt
2 Medium Seranno Chilis, cut lengthwise in quarters (we doubled the amount)
1.5 Tsp. finely grated fresh ginger
1.5 TSP finely grated garlic
1 Tsp. Salt
1/2 Tsp. ground tumeric
1/2 Tsp. Cayenne (we doubled the amount)
1.2 Lbs. Leg of Lamb, cut into 1.2 inch pieces
1 recipe Burnt Onions
2 Tbsps. unsalted butter (we used ghee)
3 Tbsps. raisins
1 Cup Whole Milk
1.5 Tbsps. Sugar

In a bowl, mix together yogurt/chiles/ginger/garlic/salt/tumeric & cayenne.
Add the lamb and coat well with marinade; set aside in frige for at least 4 hrs.

While the lamb is marinating, make the Burnt Onions. If not cooking lamb right away, set the drained onions aside until ready to use

Remove lamb from fridge for at least 1 hr. before roasting. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Crumble the onions into the lamb.

Melt butter in a skillet over low head and separate toast the almonds until golden brown and the raisins until plumped, set on paper towel to drain.

Scrap the butter into the marinating lamb. Pour the milk onto the lamb, add sugar and mix thoroughly.

Transfer entire lamb mixture into a baking dish large enough to hold lamb in singer layer. Cover tightly with a lid or foile and place in middle of oven. Roast, covered, for 1.5 hrs. The lamb will be cooked but not falling-apart tender. The sauce will be thin. Uncover and continue roasting until the lamb is slightly meltingly tender and the sauce has thickened, another 20 minutes.

Garnish with almonds & raisins and serve.

Burnt Onions:

1 Large or 2 medium yellow onions
1/2 cup canola oil

Halve onions and slice very thinkly. Separate all layers so there are individual half rings. Heat the oil in a large skillet over high heat - add onions until thoroughly coated with oil. Stop stirring and leave the skillet on high heat. The oinons on the outside will brown first, stir them to the center of the pan, spreading the onions out again. Do this until all the onions begin to color. Resist the urge to stir constantly.

Lower the heat to medium-low and cook until all the moisture has left the onions. About 20 minutes. Stir occasionally. The onions should turn very dark brown without actually getting burnt. When the onions are browned evenly, drain on paper towels. They will crisp further as they cool. If not using right away, store in fridge in tightly sealed container.

NOTE: This is our first go at this recipe. The lamb was amazing but overall the dish was slightly dry. Perhaps it should be cooked at a lower heat or a dish that "crowds" the lamb more thus retaining moisture. Bon apetit bitches!

Dear Scout,

We couldn’t imagine a life with you in it; we were NOT getting another yellow dog just so you know.
And now that you’re gone, we can’t imagine a life without you in it.
You gave us 11 years of happiness… who was taking care of who?

Yellow dog, we didn’t want another one of you.
We didn’t want to fall in love… again.
We didn’t want to train a silly puppy to “go to her spot”… again.
We didn’t want to push you down when you jumped on us because your people! were home! Your people! were home!
We didn’t want to pick up your goo, wherever it came from.
We didn’t want to be covered in your incessant flecks of hair.
We did not want to dry your stinky wet fur or muddy paws on a rainy day.
We didn’t want dog breath licks.
We didn't want your slimy balls dropped in our lap.
We didn’t want you to get sick.
We didn’t want you to be without you, ever.
And you never stay long enough.

But, we are dog people and we did want those things. Our yellow dog before you made us all the more ready to have another yellow dog. Odds are, we would've gotten at least as good a girl as her, but you turned out to be probably the best dog we've ever had. And, we've had a few. And to think we didn’t want another yellow dog! Have you ever heard of something so crazy? Thank you for picking us Scout and reminding us we needed another yellow girl. We are dog people and we need dogs just like you.

To remind us that it’s not always about us.
To be there.
To love us when we’re feeling unloved.
To warm us when we’re cold.
To guard the babies and lick their faces.
To be.

We’ve cried so many tears for you Scout.
A life without our yellow girl seems so lonely.
We loved you beyond the beyond and then some, dog.
We miss you.

We hope you can forgive us for not knowing sooner, we did the best we could.
We didn’t mean to be selfish but we didn’t want to do anything that might take you away from us sooner than you needed to go. We loved you and we couldn’t bear to be without you. I know if you had it your way, you would’ve wanted to stay a while longer too. If only to make sure we would be okay.

Some day we’ll get another dog, we are dog people.
And believe me Scout, it will be that yellow dog we were never going to get again. You were a good dog, a very good dog indeed.

"you shouldn't vote for someone whose penis doesn't work"

(i'm surrounded by intelligentsia... the back porches in this complex provide much entertainment... sometimes... and much frustration at other times... really? i shouldn't vote for a person b/c of their penis? because i can think of a whole bunch of better reasons not to vote for candidate and lemme tell ya, their penis is the furthest thing from my mind. but, thanks for your input).